Anyway, moving on. I’m writing this to give an update about my writing status, specifically regarding Nozomi: Shippuden, for those who follow it.
I’ve been at war with myself a lot. My motivation to make art has significantly dropped in the last two years and writing has become a chore- this is a fact I tried very hard to deny, claiming I just needed a break from writing, but that wasn’t it at all. During that break not only did I draft and complete a Naruto au oneshot in less than a week, but the writing felt better and more fluent than anything I’ve put out this year! Not only that, but I was excited about it in a way that I haven’t felt about writing in so long…This puzzled me for a while. “If I can write NaruNozo in this world, why am I struggling to find enthusiasm for their main story?” It was a question that haunted me for so long.
Then one night I finally broke and poured my heart out to a friend who was kind enough to point out the fact that this type of thinking and guilting myself about working on stuff unrelated to “Nozomi: Shippuden” was killing my mental health. The answer, while I don’t like it still, is simple. I have to stop working on this story. If I try to continue on like this there’s a good chance I’ll burn out and give up art and writing entirely; that would make me more miserable than admitting defeat in this one story (A story that has been going since roughly 2009 and seen a revamp, but only been written up to around the arc of Pein’s invasion).
If the Naruto series wasn’t so ridiculously long and I was further into the story, maybe things would be different, but I’m not. The end goal is so far off and I can’t keep up with my rigorous routine for this anymore. To give a rough idea of what I put myself through, here’s my writing routine, arc by arc:
- Review notes for the next arc Id be rewriting
- Rewatch entire said arc, frequently pausing to write down important dialog for scenes that overlap with those in my notes
- Review my notes again and if necessary rewrite the entire arc to fit the canon better (it’s not unusual for my notes to gain or lose 2-4K+ words)
- Go back and rewatch any episodes that I’ve identified as major overlaps to my story and ensure I’m not destroying/altering canon timeline
- Rough draft each chapter
- Write the entire arc
- Proof read each chapter (often rewriting more than half of each one after referring to the anime and finding more inconsistencies I’d missed)
This process is a minimum of 24 hours before I can get to the final step. As a labor of love I never cared before but having had my free time cut significantly in half over the pandemic the workload has begun to take its toll.
I was determined that this version of the story would be the best thing I’d ever written. It very well might’ve been, but not at the cost of my health. I couldn’t even let myself get interested in other series for fear I’d lose interest in my story. I used to joke that I’d be 40 still trying to finish this thing, and now, as another birthday draws near for me, that potential reality haunts me so.
I will be more than happy to share the notes I had for the rest of the story for anybody who wants to know how things ended, and this doesn’t mean I’m done using Nozomi at all (on the contrary, she’s my favorite OC to throw in aus). I just need to rest and take time to enjoy other things. If you don’t want to see my new OCs and stuff, I understand. I can always just put them on my toy house account.
So this is my personal new year’s resolution - to reconnect with the enjoyment that brought me to writing and art to begin with. I hope everybody can understand. This was not an easy decision to make and I’m going to be beating myself up about it for quite a while because I do perceive this as failure on my part. 😓
TLDR: For the sake of my mental health I’m giving up on writing Nozomi’s story, an undertaking that I’ve technically been going at since 2009. I want to have freedom to enjoy new series and create and indulge other ocs and couldn’t do that without feeling guilty about my unfinished story. Nozomi won’t disappear from my writing by a long shot- she’s in quite a few aus I enjoy. Those who are interested to know how her story ends can request a link to my Google docs notes.
Nozomi: Shippuden updates
Wow, this is..my first journal since almost this time last year. xD I didn’t really have much energy after my kid had to come home for distance learning. We struggled so much that I said “screw it” and pulled him out of the district. We are now officially registered as a private school. :3 It is challenging sometimes, but worth it.
That being said, it’s eaten up a lot of the time I used to have for art and writing, which brings me to the point of this journal.
In my recent submission, I mentioned that I would be journaling about some changes to how I handled “Nozomi: Shippuden”.
Those who follow it know that I finished the first arc of the storyline, then went on hiatus since I was having a baby soon. I planned to resume the story but had no idea when because writing required a clear mind and energy, both of which I wouldn’t have for a while....Fast forward and that little boy is nearly three years old.
I have written many things over the course of those three years, but never touched “Nozomi: Shippuden”. There was no desire, or drive to even try...In spite of that, Nozomi remained a constant presence in my writing and art, making me seriously wonder why I couldn’t get myself to work on her story. After some serious thought on the matter, I finally have the answer.
Criticism.
Don’t get me wrong. I thrive on feedback. Nothing makes me happier than reading what somebody thinks of my stuff and feeling like there’s someone else enjoying the things that bring me joy. But when that feedback comes from disguised as a compliment that ends up leaving me insecure and doubting my ability to tell a story at all (especially when it’s people who don’t know me personally, making me feel stupid)...I don’t handle it well.
My story is not perfect, and it doesn’t try to be. I’ve made mistakes and decisions some people found questionable. Others even hated it and had no problem letting me know as much. They have a right to their opinions, so I brushed the critique off and continued pumping out chapters.
The final straw was the blatant criticism for how I handle Naruto and Nozomi’s relationship. Their story has always been a slow burn from the start, and was meant to develop over the course of the anime’s canon storyline. The need to please my readers led me to re-evaluate the whole story, ending with me speeding up relationship progression by several arcs worth of content (we’re talking over 100k words of notes that needed to be revamped and/or scrapped!). I was drained by the time I took my hiatus.
Last year, when everyone was being forced to quarantine, I decided to pick up the story again cause why not? I opened my outline to see what was next and realized that I no longer liked the story. I had changed it to cater to others so much that I lost what I loved about it to begin with.
Nozomi is my oldest OC, and I’ve grown so much as an artist with her. I wouldn’t have some of the friendships I do without her either. It just felt wrong to leave her hanging, so I buckled down and looked at my notes again. It took months, but I finally ended up with something I was excited about!
Only then, the doubt came rushing in. Would my readers enjoy it? What if they disliked how I did this or that? Would they get mad and call this planned “arc” a filler since I was trying to develop Nozomi as more than just a basic love interest? All these thoughts killed my motivation and without realizing it I slipped into depression that was made worse by isolation. Thank goodness for my friends. If not for them, I’m not sure I would have ever come to the point I am now.
Friends, you know who you are. 
You are the ones who kept me talking and didn’t let me give up on my ideas, no matter how down I could get sometimes. The endless chats and countless AU’s helped so much...they restored my confidence over time.
I have now written three story arcs, with each one averaging around 20k words, if not more, and I am happier than I’ve been in a long time. So happy, that I’m not going to post them anywhere. Not until I have finished writing the entire story. Once it’s finished, and I’m completely satisfied with the way things are, I’ll be ready to share then.
I may occassionally get excited about a scene and draw a picture to share with an excerpt from a chapter like I did in my last submission, but other than that, Nozomi: Shippuden updates will remain on pause until I finish the full story.
That being said, I do enjoy having something to keep me accountable, even if it’s just a list of what I’ve completed, so I will continue to update the widget on my profile as I complete story arcs and outlines. :)
The friends who helped me reach this point are the only exception to this change. For the support and encouragement they’ve so readily given, and not let me give up over the years, the least I can do is keep confiding them in the loop here, too.
Thank you for taking the time to read this if you did, and I hope you have a nice day. :)
About my current art
I am putting this here to let you all know that I won’t be uploading much, if at all anymore. My interests have changed and it is fairly clear that my recent submissions are not satisfying my watchers. As a result, it hasn’t been fun to post here for some time now.
I don’t want to feel this way, but when I spend days on one pic, working on improving things like anatomy and shading, only to have it ignored in favor of something that took a few hours, it’s pretty hard to convince myself my suspicions are unjustified. I feel that the content I post nowadays is not what I’m known for, so it gets brushed aside, and have seen too much of a pattern to be able to convince myself otherwise anymore. Still, if it was just an issue of people not caring for my fandoms, I would say “whatever” and move on. But the fact is, I have continued to post the stuff I am known for with little response and less feedback.
The latter of which is fine, I know that this community thrives on faving without comments. But I have been seeing even less faves. So that made me wonder...why do I continue to post here? I post what I put here and more on my blog now, and I have Toy House to sort out my OC details, so it’s not like I don't have a place to upload my stuff.
Maybe I’ll post again when I draw something that fits what I feel people want from me, but who can say when that will be? All I want now is to enjoy making things again. Focusing on why people don't seem to like my stuff lately has really put me in a funk. So as of now, I’m calling it quits posting here. It’s just not worth my time anymore. I will still be around to support the artists I’ve enjoyed watching but thats about it.
Mangagrl1991
Before I finish up, I just want to give a huge thank you and give monster virtual hugs to the wonderful watchers who have stayed with me over the years despite my hiatuses and struggles that kept me MIA. I couldn’t have asked for better friends, taking the time to message me and comment my work to let me know what you liked the most or how I could maybe improve the piece. You were often times my best source of inspiration, and I will forever be grateful for you all.
Happy 2019...Late much? XD
So to everyone who wished me a happy birthday here in some way, shape or form, Thank you all very much! 
I truly, truly appreciate it sooo much <3
I had to wait two days to get surgery and ended up staying in the hospital from Friday-Wednesday, where I was kept super drugged up and prolly slept more than I have since having my baby (who is now 8 months old, wowza!). 
